


Dream About Us

by aworldoflis



Series: Dream!verse [1]
Category: Glee
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-03
Updated: 2013-02-03
Packaged: 2017-11-28 02:25:01
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/669160
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aworldoflis/pseuds/aworldoflis
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Kurt's building up his designer career when he meets Sebastian, a model whose snark is exceeded only by his stubbornness to get Kurt to go out with him. But before the couple can take things further, Sebastian needs to tell Kurt he's HIV positive. </p>
            </blockquote>





	Dream About Us

**Author's Note:**

> **Warnings** : angst, discussion of HIV and suffering thereof, blink-and-you-miss-it dubcon, short mention of spiders and arachnophobia. If you have any questions about either of these warnings, please just come and [ask](http://letmegiveyoumynumbah.tumblr.com/ask).  
>  **Story notes** : Sebastian is four years younger than Kurt, and as such never met him nor Blaine in high school. Even though he is HIV positive, he is asymptomatic, and therefore is not suffering from the illness in any way. Mature rating for theme only.
> 
>  **A/N** : This is a revised version of the story I wrote for [this](http://glee-kink-meme.livejournal.com/28110.html?thread=33472462#t33472462) prompt at the GKM. I adapted it to be more compliant with the sequel I wrote in this same universe for the Kurtbastian Big Bang which I will post later today. The original version can be found at the prompt, on [LJ](http://aworldoflis.livejournal.com/tag/dream%20about%20us) or over at [FF.net](http://www.fanfiction.net/~aworldoflis). Hope you enjoy!

 

The first time they met was in a flurry of needles and fabric, costume fittings and last-minute adjustments. Later, Sebastian swore they locked eyes the moment Kurt entered the room, although Kurt maintained he had no recollection of any such thing, claiming he didn't even remember seeing Sebastian when he walked into the foyer that day.

Over 20 people had shown up but Kurt only needed five, and he didn't waste time having them walk or even gauging their faces - any guy who made it to the final round was sure to have mastered a perfect strut, and the hair and make-up department would take care of the rest. No, what Kurt was looking for was a body that would display his clothes the best they could be, because if there was one thing he had learned from working in fashion for over a decade now, it was that it wasn't the clothes that made the model look good - it was the model that made the clothes look fabulous.

"You, you. You," he said, pointing at each guy in turn. "You and you. The rest can go home, thank you for your time."

He ignored the grumbled noises of disappointment from those whose luck had run out that day, ushering his five chosen models to the fitting rooms instead. The show was less than a week away and he didn't have the time nor the patience to deal with anything that wasn't directly related to it.

"Johnsson," he said, eternally grateful for the name tags each of them was wearing, "you take outfits 45 and 16. Back row. Lovejoy, 38. Kulani, 23, 41, 62. Ask someone to assist you with the jacket of 41 - if I see so much as one buckle out of place I'll kill you. Bing, 12, 33, 49, 51. Smythe -"

"Sebastian."

The voice was soft but determined, much like the look Kurt was met with when he looked up- and froze. Like most models, the man had a couple of inches on Kurt, his short brown hair styled in that just-out-of-bed look Kurt could never quite resist. But that wasn't what had made his heart stop - it was the man's eyes, grayish green and piercing, looking straight at Kurt as if he was the only thing they were seeing, the only thing they wanted to see, and Kurt had to forcibly shake himself out of his reverie. He didn't have time for this, not now.

"Smythe," he repeated, looking back at his papers, determined not to lose focus. "4, 25, 69. You've got five minutes."

.

Usually, Kurt didn't like it when models were talking during fitting. Firstly, it was horribly distracting, and secondly, they never managed to keep still when they talked. Sebastian - _Smythe_ , he corrected himself-, however, seemed to have elevated standing still to an art form, and Kurt quickly discovered it was much more distracting to try to get him to shut up than it was to just let him talk.

"Turn around," he said, interrupting yet another story, and Sebastian shot him a mock-offended look. "You're pretty bossy for a costume fitter, you know that?"

"You're pretty talkative for someone whose job it is to just shut up and walk, you know that?" Kurt retorted, actually offended Sebastian would think that's all he was. "And I'll have you know I actually designed these outfits, thank you very much."

"I'm sorry, could you repeat that? I kinda stopped listening after 'you're pretty'."

Kurt glanced up, intending to shoot Sebastian an unimpressed glare, but when he saw the twinkle in the other man's eyes he couldn't help but smile back.

"False modesty doesn't suit you," he said, turning his attention back to the sleeve he was fixing. "You're a model, you know you're pretty."

"Being a model merely means I conform to society's idea of beauty. It's nice to hear you agree, though," Sebastian said, sounding oddly amused.

"I never said I agreed," Kurt shot back, "I said you were fishing for compliments."

"I was the first guy you picked out of a room filled with 30 hotties. I don't need to fish for anything."

This time Kurt did glare, even if only because he didn't know if what Sebastian was claiming was actually true.

"There were only 20 guys there, 25 tops."

"The point still stands- _aww_!"

Sebastian let out a yelp, squinting at Kurt.

"Sorry... ," Kurt smiled back innocently, holding up a needle. "Next time - don't move."

Kurt could see Sebastian bite back a retort, finally deciding on just looking straight ahead, leaving Kurt to hum softly to himself as he finished the sleeve.

"Done," he said five minutes later. "Go give these to Anita and then you can go home for today. I expect you tomorrow at 7am for the second fit."

He stepped back to give Sebastian space to step down from the stool he'd been standing on, but instead of walking out as he'd been told to do, Sebastian simply stopped right in front of Kurt.

"How about I expect you tonight at 7pm for a first date?"

It was by far the bluntest anyone had ever asked Kurt out, and he simply stared at Sebastian.

"Excuse me?"

"Go out with me."

Kurt had been hit on before - of course he'd been hit on before: he worked in fashion, where the usual one in ten ratio of gay to straight people was reversed and testosterone levels exceeded the highest of ambitions on any given day. His own insecurities aside he had quickly discovered there was quite a number of people who liked his type - thought he was pretty - hot, even. But in a place where competition was so stiff, envy was never far away, and Kurt had learned that lesson the hard way.

"I don't go out with people I work with," he said, feeling slightly uncomfortable, but Sebastian wasn't discouraged in the least.

"Then I quit," he said simply, shoving a paper in Kurt's hands before he walked away backwards, pointing at the paper. "Call me!"

.

"He's not gonna answer that call, you know."

The voice came from behind him, and Kurt spun around to find one of the other models looking at him.

"He doesn't really want to take you out," the man -Bing, if Kurt remembered correctly- repeated, and Kurt squinted.

"And how would you know?" he asked, gesturing for the man to step up the stool. "Any personal experience or is this another of these never-ending feuds that always seem to be going on?"

"No feud," Bing said, "just... experience. Me, and about half of the city gays."

Kurt hissed when the needle pricked his finger right through the hem of Bing's pants - unlike Sebastian Bing had not yet mastered the art of standing still while talking, and Kurt was already regretting getting involved in the conversation. But even though he wasn't sure if he could believe the man, it seemed he knew Sebastian Smythe better than Kurt did, and it certainly couldn't hurt to find out a little more about the snarky model. Because if it hadn’t been for the fact that they had to work together...

"I wasn't actually planning on calling him, but thank you for your concern," Kurt said, looking up in surprise when the man above him started laughing.

"Which is exactly why he asked you out," he smirked, and Kurt frowned.

"You mean he gave me his phone number so I wouldn't call him?"

"I mean Seb's only interested in you as long as you're not interested in him."

Kurt glanced up before moving to the other leg.

"Why would he assume I'm not interested?" he asked. "He's cute enough, and you can't deny he has a witty charm over him."

"Oh, he's charming all right," Bing chuckled, "and pretty. Cocky enough to be well aware of it, too. But look at yourself - you're obviously running on too few hours of sleep, busiest week of the season ahead of you: Prince Charming could come bursting in through the door and you'd probably give him a to-do list before he could even ask you out. Seb takes bets, but he doesn't play to win."

Slowly, knees creaking, Kurt got up and took a step back, pretending to admire the way the white vest contrasted against the man's dark skin as the thoughts swirled through his mind. He didn't even dwell on the barely-veiled insult on his appearance - he knew perfectly well how he looked these days, but sometimes some things just were more important than skin care routines and healthy sleeping habits. He simply wasn't quite sure what the man expected him to do with the information he'd just give him.

"Why are you even telling me this?"

"As I said, you wouldn't be the first swinging from 'no' to 'yes' to crashing headfirst into a wall," Bing said, more sincerity in his voice than Kurt was used to encounter over the course of a week. "And I saw the way you looked at him. Just... don't expect too much from him, that's all I'm saying."

Kurt nodded, although he still didn't know what he was being warned for, exactly. As Bing had said, he was too busy to even think of dating right now, but if Sebastian really was as big a flirt as Bing said... well, two could play that game.

He looked back over at the man in front of him, gesturing him to step down. He wasn't quite ready yet, but it could wait for the second fitting tomorrow - right now, he had no desire to continue the conversation.

"All right, you know the drill - Anita'll take this. 7.30 for you tomorrow, if that's alright?"

.

Kurt didn't call Sebastian, and Sebastian didn't quit, but over the course of the next few days their banter became increasingly flirtatious, and despite Bing's warning constantly at the forefront of his thoughts Kurt found he started looking forward to rehearsals and fittings, even if barely 15 minutes of them were actually spent with Sebastian. But between the stress of organizing half of the show and getting all the outfits ready, those 15 minutes became Kurt's recharge moment, giving him the energy he needed to keep running on the too few hours of sleep he was able to get. Sebastian seemed ever amused by everything going on around him, unaffected by the stress that got everybody on edge and not in the least impressed by anything Kurt threw at him. Where most people had learned not to get in Kurt's way whenever he was stressed out, Sebastian faced him head-on, unafraid to call him out when he was being unreasonable, never failing to find the humor in the situation or to make Kurt laugh.

And through it all, Sebastian stubbornly continued to find ways to ask Kurt out, stealthily by slipping notes between Kurt's folders, or more directly, like that second day when he'd brought a bag of blueberry muffins, his phone number and the words "Go out with me?" written in black sharpie on the side of the bag. The day after it was a simple cup of coffee -how the guy had figured out his coffee order, Kurt would never know- and the day after that some take-away Thai, and Sebastian laughed when Kurt's stomach began to grumble as soon as the spicy smell of the food reached his nose.

"I was going to bring a two-hour power nap first, but they wouldn't wrap it for me," Sebastian said, smiling, "I can see the food was a good second choice, though."

"I swear they're trying to kill me," Kurt said, gratefully taking the food and diving straight in as they sat down on the floor against the wall. He probably only had about ten minutes before people would start looking for him, and even right before the big show there were only so many times he could get away with yet another costume fit - he'd already changed some of the assigned outfits around just to have an excuse to dress Sebastian.

"This is my 12th show and you'd think, statistically, there would be at least _one_ where nothing would go wrong. Or at least one where _not everything_ would go wrong."

"I know what you mean," Sebastian said next to him, sounding defeated. "I've been asking this guy out for days now - six times I've asked him, six times, and he's turned me down every time. You know what the odds are for that? One in 64, that's what."

He leaned back against the wall, shaking his head and sighing dramatically, and Kurt grinned as he looked over at him. "Even though I'm pretty sure your statistics are off - that sucks for you."

"Please - my statistics are flawless. And it sucks for him," Sebastian said, turning his head and catching Kurt's gaze, a little smile playing around his lips, not in the least deterred by Kurt's constant rejection -he never was-, as if he indeed enjoyed playing the game far too much to be bothered with the final score, and not for the first time Kurt wondered whether Bing was right, whether Sebastian would simply walk away from Kurt as soon as he said 'yes'.

He wondered if that was the reason he kept saying 'no'.

"Kurt? Kurt! Kurt, Katrina lost the guest l- what are you doing?"

Suddenly Anita was standing in front of them, hands on her hips, eyes flickering between the two of them as if she couldn't understand how anyone could be sitting down for even a second when there was still so much left to do, and it occurred to Kurt that she probably couldn't.

"Kurt, Katrina lost the guest list and now I can't-"

"I probably have a copy in my office," Kurt sighed defeatedly, before he shoved the half-empty container of noodles back in Sebastian's hands, already accepting the fact his break was now officially over.

"Don't let it go to waste," he told Sebastian, scrambling up, "but if I catch so much as a nanoliter drop of nam chim on my clothes I swear the only job in fashion you'll ever be able to get will be as my personal pincushion, understood?"

"Oh my," Sebastian clutched his chest, wiping away an imaginary tear as he pretended to look touched. "I never thought the day would come where Kurt Hummel would volunteer to stick things in me. But eh... what do I do with the box?"

Kurt resisted the urge to roll his eyes at Sebastian's first comment, shooting him a reprimanding look before he glanced at the container with the now familiar handwriting that Sebastian was holding out to him. He wondered if this was the right time to tell Sebastian he'd already put the number in his phone that very first day they met, but quickly decided it wasn't.

"Well, seeing as it is _a cardboard box_ ," he said patiently, cocking his head as if he was talking to a five year old, "I would suggest putting it in paper recycling."

"That is a _brilliant_ idea!"

Sebastian's face split open in a wide grin as if he actually was five years old, the wonder and amazement radiating from his face almost tangible, and Kurt almost burst out laughing. That is - until he heard Anita cough behind him, and he settled on simply returning Sebastian's grin.

"I'll see you tomorrow for the show, Seb - 5am, be sharp," he said, walking away. "And remember what I said about the sauce!"

Sebastian's laugh would still be ringing in his ears for a long time after that.

 

* * *

 

When Kurt arrived at his office at a quarter past five the next morning Sebastian was already waiting for him, leaning against the wall with his hands in his pockets. The realization that the model had arrived empty-handed made Kurt's stomach twist with an unexpected sense of disappointment, but he pushed the feeling down as he put the key in the lock and let himself into his office.

"You're late," Sebastian said, following him inside, and Kurt gave him a sideways glance.

"I'm never late," he said grumpily, "nor am I ever early. I arrive precisely when I mean to."

The truth was that he _was_ late, though, and more than just fifteen minutes. After the near-perfect general rehearsal the previous day he'd allowed himself to go home and catch up on some sleep, only to sleep through the alarm he'd set. It set him back almost an hour before the day had even begun, and Kurt chided himself when he found himself wishing that today, of all days, Sebastian would have brought him coffee. Or donuts. Something. With or without his number scribbled on the side. The fact that he hadn't brought anything at all somehow made the day appear even worse than it had started already.

"As much as I would like to believe you always come on time," Sebastian said, winking at Kurt as he pointed towards the wall, "seeing as your diploma says 'Art Institute, New York' and not 'Hogwarts, UK', I'm gonna take a leap here and say you're bluffing."

Kurt merely glared at him, still barely half awake and not in the least bit ready to deal with Sebastian's double entendres.

"The quote was Lord of the Rings, not Harry Potter, get your references right. And I'd love to demonstrate, but unfortunately I've got a fashion show to run today, so either get out or tell me what you're doing in my office."

"Well," Sebastian said, hopping on the desk and taking a picture frame showing a broadly smiling Burt and Carole, "we were all getting properly excited for the show, you know, getting our hair done, taking out our best clothes - some of us even got out the guyliner, if you'd believe. It was promising to become quite the party, really."

Kurt snatched the picture out of Sebastian's hands, putting it back on the desk with more force than was strictly necessary. "The point, Sebastian?" he asked tiredly.

"Anita got a call from the florist, they might not be able to deliver all the orchids."

"They WHAT?"

In an instant, Sebastian had Kurt's full attention, his initial annoyance immediately making place for anger, and then panic. There really wasn't a thing going to go right today, was there?

"There was a problem with the cooling system of the freezers where they were keeping the things and they started heating up," Sebastian explained matter-of-factly. "They're still assessing the damage but at least a quarter of the flowers are ruined. Anita didn't know what to do so I volunteered to come get you while she's trying to get more details. You should come and watch, they're all running around like headless chickens, it's quite the spectacle."

"I'm sure you had a lovely time watching that," Kurt sneered. "But when did this even happen, why didn't you call me?"

He didn't even bother to wait for a reply as he walked around the desk to his computer, quickly drawing up his list of florists to try to figure out which one would be able to help them out on such short notice.

"Not sure if you've been paying attention this past week," Sebastian said, leaning back onto his elbows so he could follow what Kurt was doing, "but I was the one giving out phone numbers, not you, so..."

Kurt not-so-gently stomped him in the side.

"Not you 'you', anyone-in-this-freaking-building-who-has-my-number 'you'!" he said indignantly, scribbling down a few numbers. "Now shut up, get out, get dressed and keep everyone away from me. God I don't know what I was thinking just going to bed last night, this never ever goes the w-"

He cut himself off mid-sentence when Sebastian grabbed him by the wrist, pulling him back.

"Seb-"

"Don't bother with those," Sebastian interrupted him, nodding at the numbers on the back of Kurt's hand before he continued in a calmer, more determined voice. "They're gonna rip you off and seeing as your precious orchids are as out of season as they can be, chances are low they're gonna be able to deliver quality flowers anyway. Take away the ones you were planning to line the red carpet with, they'll only serve to make people break their necks anyway, and if you time it well you can forego those at the buffet for now too - you have half an hour between the end of the show and the reception, that should be enough for 5 or 6 people to take the ones from on-stage and move them. Scores you points for recycling, too. As long as they can get you 60 to 70% of the flowers, which, as I understood, they can, you should be able to pull it off."

Kurt stood baffled, staring at the man in front of him as he tried to process not only what had just been said but mainly where Sebastian had even gotten the knowledge to make that particular -and, now that Kurt thought about it, surprisingly good- analysis.

"H-how... you don't even _work_ here!" he finally managed, but Sebastian just laughed, turning him around by the shoulders and slapping his ass.

"I'm pretty, not stupid," he said, pushing Kurt in front of him as he led them outside. "Now you go and save the day, they're waiting for you."

.

Sebastian's suggestion indeed solved most of the flower problem, which fortunately turned out to be the only real disaster that day, and by the time the guests started arriving Kurt felt he could start breathing just a little lighter for the first time in weeks. Just 6 more hours and the worst of it would be over.

He barely saw Sebastian after that, restricted as he was to the backstage section while Kurt's presence was required on and around the red carpet to give interviews, smiling at the right people and keeping away from the wrong ones, and it was more by chance than anything else that Kurt passed the changing rooms just as Sebastian was putting on his coat.

"Going home?"

"What gave me away?" Sebastian asked, frantically patting himself as he looked over his clothes, pretending to be confused. "It's the pants, isn't it? It's always the pants."

Kurt let his eyes trail over the item of clothing in question -a simple pair of jeans, a size too big, the fading blue clearly the result from being worn extensively rather than from being stonewashed-, an unimpressed smirk on his face.

"If anything those jeans gave me serious doubts," he said, looking back up to Sebastian, "and may I add that the fact you actually _work_ in fashion is a seriously aggravating factor here. I'd almost think you can't afford a decent pair of pants."

"Are you offering me a raise?" Sebastian asked, cocking an eyebrow. "Because, you know, I'd be up for that."

Kurt just shot him an amused glance, choosing to ignore the comment - they both knew Sebastian was more than well paid for what he did.

"I haven't actually thanked you yet," he said instead, suddenly feeling oddly bashful. "You know, for this morning..."

But Sebastian made dismissive motion with his hand.

"Don't mention it. I mean, even if the quality of some of the orchids on the side runway weren't quite on par with the rest, I'm sure nobody saw."

If the comment would have been made a couple of hours earlier, Kurt would've probably freaked out -he'd worked hard to place the few half-withered plants he'd been forced to use just so that it wouldn't show too much- but now all he could do was smile and wonder exactly how observant Sebastian was. Either that, or the models had way too much free time on their hands during a show.

"Anyway," Sebastian interrupted Kurt's thoughts, directing a small bow towards him, "it was my pleasure meeting you, I'm sure we'll see each other around."

It was inconspicuous enough, and if it had been anyone else Kurt would have probably just lifted his hand in goodbye and turned around - he had Sebastian's number, after all, he could call and they could meet some time next week maybe, once he had recovered from the madness that had ruled his life these past days. There was something in Sebastian's voice as he said goodbye, though, a certain finality that gave Kurt the feeling they wouldn't _actually_ be 'seeing each other around'. But it still wasn't until Sebastian was nearly at the door that Kurt understood he really was planning on just leaving.

"Wait, you're just gonna walk away?"

There was genuine surprise on Sebastian's face when he turned around, and he looked back and forth between Kurt and the door a couple of times before he answered.

"Seeing as I am currently on the inside, and the door leads to outside, and I was planning to walk out the door... I would say that's a valid statement, yes."

_ He doesn't really want to take you out, you know. _

It hurt, strangely, to see Sebastian so willing to walk away from him without a second thought, without so much as a goodbye even if it hadn't been for Kurt passing by at the right time. 

It wasn't so much that Sebastian's apparent interest in Kurt turned out to be less genuine than Kurt had thought -or hoped?- it was: Kurt had been warned about that, and he wasn't conceited enough to think he was that good of a catch. But Sebastian and him, they'd made a connection. Kurt had felt it, and he was sure Sebastian must have felt it too - that feeling of being on the same page without having to work for it. It was the same feeling Kurt had gotten when he first met Blaine all those years ago, and then Eric some time after that - and he wasn't ready to let it go this easily. Not yet.

"What happened to asking me out?" he asked defiantly, crossing his arms in front of him. He wasn't angry, per se, but he felt he needed to make some kind of statement, at least.

"Yeah, well," Sebastian shrugged, "been there, done that, you said 'no'. Dwelling on the past has never done anyone any good, time to move on!"

He pumped his fist in the air, smiling mischievously, but there was a shift in his shoulders, a hesitation in his voice Kurt was sure he wasn't imagining.

"I think you should ask me again," he said, more confident than he was really feeling. "I might have changed my mind."

"Is that so?" Sebastian asked, the amused twinkle back in his eyes as he gave Kurt a once over and then made an apologetic face, holding his hand over his heart. "But I'm sorry, I don't think I'm quite ready to set myself up for that kind of heartbreak again."

"Then go out with me."

Kurt stepped forward, unable to suppress a smile when he saw the bafflement on Sebastian's face.

"You don't wanna ask me again, fair enough. So I'm asking you: go out with me."

He expected a sneer, a joke, some kind of veiled insult even, but the answer was surprisingly short and simple.

"No."

"No?" Kurt repeated, incredulous and just a tiny bit hurt, and he must have looked like he saw a ghost because Sebastian started laughing.

"No," he said. "That means I won't go out with you. But I guess you figured that out."

_ He's only interested in you as long as you're not interested in him. _

Kurt cocked his head, and for a moment he contemplated to just let Sebastian walk out. If he wanted to play childish hard-to-get games that was his prerogative, after all, and Kurt wasn't in the least bit inclined to play along, not anymore.

But it _was_ fascinating. Not to mention Sebastian was the first guy in the industry he’d met that seemed to be level-headed enough not to get carried away by the glitter and the glamour of the front stage.

And he'd already proven to be able to keep up with Kurt's antics, which was definitely a first.

"Why?" Kurt asked. "Why would you waste every moment you spent with me hitting on me when you weren't even interested in actually taking me out?"

"Why would you call it a waste of time?" Sebastian countered. "We had fun, didn't we?"

"Then why won't you let me take you out?" Kurt insisted.

He stood his ground as Sebastian looked him up and down once more, unwavering under the grey-green gaze.

"You really are a tenacious one, aren't you?"

"I know what I want," Kurt said, "and I want to know why you won't let me take you out."

"Because I. don't. date."

Sebastian made the words sound like a challenge, and Kurt could tell it would be useless to ask why again - he would just be getting another non-answer and they'd be stuck there until the sun came up.

"Then let's have coffee," he changed tactics, and he had to suppress a smile when he saw a look of confusion cross Sebastian's face. "We're friends, right? Friends have coffee together all the time. So - let's just grab a coffee together some time."

"Coffee," Sebastian repeated slowly, as if he wasn't sure he'd heard it correctly. " _Friendly_ coffee."

Sebastian had always seemed so composed - he knew what he wanted, had an opinion about most everything and wasn't afraid to voice either of those loud and proud. Seeing him like this, indecisive and unsure of what to do, was almost unsettling.

"Friendly coffee," Kurt nodded, watching Sebastian inquisitively.

"Not a date."

"Not a date," Kurt confirmed again, slowly losing his patience.

"Why would you even want to do that?" Sebastian asked, clearly not convinced, and Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Because I like my coffee with company!" he exasperated. "Look, Sebastian, I'm not asking you to marry me here - it's a freaking cup of coffee, get over it already!"

Sebastian seemed to be taken aback by his outburst and for a moment Kurt was sure his impatience had blown any chance he might have possibly had. He wasn't even sure anymore why he was being so insistent: it seemed nothing more than a matter of principle at this point, and he was just about to tell Sebastian to just forget about it when the other man nodded, almost imperceptibly.

"Come here," he said, avoiding Kurt's eyes as he gestured for him to come closer, fishing a pen out of his pocket. "Need to give you my number."

He grabbed Kurt's wrist, scribbling something on the back of his hand, and Kurt’s protest that he already had Sebastian's number died on his lips when he glanced down to see what Sebastian had written.

"This is not the number you gave me before," he said incredulously, looking up, and Sebastian chuckled.

"Well done, Sherlock, you may now proceed to the next round!"

"You gave me _a fake number_?"

"Oh no, the number is very real," Sebastian said, his complexion suddenly very serious, "it's just not mine."

Kurt shook his head, staring at Sebastian in disbelief. He could have known, of course, maybe he even _should_ have known, especially after what Bing had said, but somehow the thought had never even crossed his mind.

"So... how do I know this one's real?"

"You don't."

Sebastian laughed, his eyes sparkling mischievously once more, and after how out-of-character he had acted before Kurt found it almost relieving, despite the rather worrying implication.

Finally Sebastian turned around, making for the door with one last wink at Kurt, but as he walked out an idea flashed through Kurt's mind and he hurried after Sebastian, getting out his cell and typing in the number on his hand as quickly as he could - he didn't run out, though, waiting in the door instead, keeping an eye on Sebastian's back as he pressed 'Call' and waited for his phone to make the connection.

One second.

Two seconds.

Three seconds.

And a ringtone starting up not 20 feet away.

A grin spread over Kurt's face when he saw Sebastian pat his pockets, take out his phone and turn around after he'd glanced at the screen, and despite the darkness Kurt could see a similar grin appear on the other man's face.

"I'm onto you, Smythe!" he called out. "And you're having coffee with me, whether you like it or not!"

* * *

They'd arranged to meet at a small coffee shop just around the corner from Kurt's apartment, and Kurt felt strangely nervous as he sat down at a table close to the door. After all the ways Sebastian had tried to evade him, he wasn't going to be surprised if the guy decided not to show up, and he promised himself he wouldn't ever give him a second thought should it happen.

Still, he found himself hoping.

He didn't believe in fate, and after the way his first relationship with Blaine had slowly bled out even the concept of soul mates was up for discussion in his mind. But there was something between Sebastian and him, and the fact that Kurt seemed to be one of very few people who had ever managed to break through Sebastian's first line of defense -if Bing's words were anything to go on- only strengthened him in his conviction. That obviously didn't necessarily mean Sebastian felt the same, and from their conversation three days before Kurt wasn't even sure he would be willing to explore it even if he did. It didn't mean Kurt wasn't going to try to convince him either, though, and if a coffee date was the only thing Sebastian was willing to give him for now, then a coffee date was what he would work with.

He was just wondering whether or not to get another refill when a movement at the door drew his attention, and his breath hitched in his throat.

Kurt liked to think he knew how to dress people. He even liked to think he had done a pretty stellar job dressing Sebastian for the show. Apparently, though, nobody knew how to dress Sebastian better than Sebastian himself.

At first sight, it wasn't that spectacular - certainly not spectacular enough to stand out in a coffee shop. The pair of dark jeans wasn't particularly tight, and the simple blazer Sebastian wore in combination with it hung open to show an even simpler, loose-fitting grey V-neck sweater. The fact that Kurt could see just the tiniest bit of chest hair was barely an excuse for his elevated heartbeat - over the course of last week he'd seen pretty much all of Sebastian's body, had helped him in and out of clothes, had _touched_  that visible bit of chest that was currently making him reevaluate every argument he'd ever made against chest hair. But there was something about Sebastian now, something about the way he held himself and the combination with the slightly-too-big beanie and the dark-rimmed glasses he was currently sporting that forced Kurt to admit that the 'connection' he was so convinced they shared wasn't the only reason why he had been so insistent on getting to see Sebastian outside of work.

"So you _do_ own a decent pair of pants," he said, nodding approvingly when Sebastian made it to the table, surprising himself with the steadiness of his voice. Up close it was even more obvious that nothing of what Sebastian was wearing was anything less than the highest quality - as simple as it looked, it was every bit as much designer as Kurt's own -decidedly more flamboyant- outfit, and Kurt had to forcibly keep himself from staring.

Sebastian however looked down as if he'd just grabbed the first items of clothing within his reach before leaving and was only really seeing what he was wearing now.

"I wasn't sure what to wear for friendly coffee with one of New York's up-and-coming designers," he said, pretending to look pensive, "I have these really comfy worn-out jeans, but something told me that wasn't a good idea, so I just went with the next best thing."

A mischievous smile took over his face as he glanced up at Kurt and sat down, resting his foot on his knee as he leaned back and pulled the beanie off his head, looking around the coffee shop casually. Too casually, Kurt thought, and he let his eyes trail over Sebastian's form again, trying to look at him the way a stranger would, without the hopes and expectations Kurt knew were currently clouding his judgement.

Sebastian's first words had been about himself, but they had been dismissive, derogatory almost, which wasn’t his usual style. His posture was relaxed, but his fingers were nervously tapping against the table, and from the way he pointedly kept looking around he seemed to be well aware of the fact that Kurt was looking at him - but wasn't quite ready to look back.

_He dressed up_ , Kurt realized with a shock. _As much as he insisted on this being not-a-date, he actually wanted to make a good impression. And he didn't just 'go with the next best thing' - he took the time to pick out something and he's nervous about me liking it._

The realization calmed Kurt down somehow, the knowledge that he wasn't the only one being slightly on edge strangely comforting.

We're even nervous in sync, he thought in amusement, taking in the man in front of him once more, and sitting up a bit straighter.

_ Let the game begin. _

. 

They spent almost three hours in the coffee shop, and time became an irrelevant concept as they talked, discussing designers they had worked with and shows they had participated in before the topics drifted away from the strictly professional frame they had in common, celebrity gossip and New York street adventures providing more comic relief than deadlines and overstressed personal assistants had. By the time seven rolled around Kurt off-handedly suggested they move somewhere they could grab a bite, and to his surprise Sebastian seemed happy to comply, and even suggested a place to go.

They decided to go for the full deal -starters, main course, and dessert- and Kurt watched, first in shock, then in apprehension, and finally in amusement, as Sebastian flirted shamelessly with their waitress. The girl -a little overweight and undoubtedly pretty- seemed young, a college freshman maybe, and by the end of their meal she was so flustered she started blushing if she even so much as looked at their table. So when she finally came to bring their check, Kurt pretended not to notice how Sebastian slipped a note with a familiar number between the girl's fingers, but as soon as she had turned around, he shot an amused glared at Sebastian.

"You just really had to do that, didn't you?"

He knew he was supposed to be jealous, but he also knew Sebastian's reputation by now, and above all he knew the number the waitress was looking at now wasn't Sebastian's.

"I have fun, she feels appreciated - it's a win-win, really," Sebastian shrugged as he got up and put on his coat, and Kurt followed his example.

"What happens when she actually calls the number though?"

Sebastian glanced at the waitress, seemingly considering the question before he shook his head.

"That one won't. They usually don't, actually. It doesn't take much for them to realize I'm an over the top flirt. So either they're ok with something casual and they flirt back, in which case I don't give them anything. Or they are looking for something with more... strings attached, in which case they won't flirt back since they know that's not what I'm going for. That's the ones who get the number."

"Okay, but what if they do call?" Kurt insisted, not sure if he was appalled or impressed by the amount of thought Sebastian had obviously put into it.

"If they do... I'll get an angry phone call from my agent saying I should keep my work and private life separate," Sebastian said dryly.

Kurt stopped mid-movement, frozen between their table and the door. "That number is from your agent."

Sebastian nodded.

"Who is a woman."

"Well, she is _now_ ," Sebastian said, eyes darting up as if he was thinking. "I mean, I guess technically she always was... her. But who cares about semantics, right?"

Kurt shook his head, trying to recapitulate the information.

"So you flirt with gay guys and straight girls, give them a fake number-"

"It's not fake. And I flirt with lesbians too. And, like... everyone."

"-give them a number that's not yours," Kurt conceded with a sigh, "and when they call it they end up with your female agent. Smooth, Seb, very smooth indeed."

"Ah, what's life if you can't have a little bit of fun, right?"

Sebastian wiggled his eyebrows and Kurt gave him a playful shove, following him out on the street.

"You're impossible, Sebastian, completely and utterly impossible."

They stood still for a moment once they were outside, and Sebastian rubbed his hands together against the cold, turning towards Kurt.

"So, where to now?"

"Now you're gonna walk me home," Kurt said, linking his arm through Sebastian's and pulling him a little closer as they started walking. Even at this late hour there was still quite a number of people out, and they silently navigated between the late night joggers and sturdy looking business men. There was a scream and then the sound of brakes being slammed close behind them and they simultaneously looked back, but when the expected bang didn't come they simply turned back around and continued walking.

Kurt loved New York. Not all of it -there were some distinct disadvantages connected to living in a city as big as New York was- but overall he loved it, especially now, at night. The never ending buzz of traffic, the thousands of people passing you by -people you'd never seen before and probably would never see again, even if they lived around the corner from you-, the flickering lights of the billboards and the constant smell of gasoline - it all became a little more surreal at night, a little more magical. And walking home with Sebastian, it all seemed... right, somehow. Even if it hadn't been a real date - it still had kind of felt like one.

"This wasn't really not-a-date, was it?" Sebastian suddenly said, as if he'd guessed Kurt's train of thought. He glanced sideways at Kurt, catching his gaze, and Kurt smiled at him before he turned his head back. 

"It really wasn't," he agreed, and Sebastian let out an audible sigh. 

"They told me you were smart, Hummel, but they never told me you were a manipulative little schemer."

"... says the guy who just flirted with some girl right in front of his date and routinely gives out other people's phone numbers," Kurt retorted. "You're a grown man, Sebastian, don't blame me for your completely independent and autonomous decision to have coffee and then dinner with me."

Sebastian grumbled, but Kurt could sense it was in good nature.

"Well then, I've learned my lesson - I'm never going for coffee with you again."

It was an opening, and Kurt only hesitated for a split second.

"You could go on a date with me instead," he suggested lightheartedly, inwardly praying he wasn't pushing his luck. "A planned one, I mean."

Sebastian didn't immediately reply, although Kurt took the fact that he hadn't unhooked their arms and that they were still walking as a good sign. But when he looked aside, he could see Sebastian's jaw clench, his eyes darting everywhere but at Kurt.

"I told you I don't date."

"Hate to break it to you," Kurt whispered conspiratorially, moving in a bit closer, "but you kinda just did."

It was enough to make Sebastian chuckle, and it broke some of the tension that had been building up between them.

"You're really something, Hummel," Sebastian finally said, still grinning, "but trust me, you don't want to date me."

"Firstly, I am perfectly capable of figuring out what I want by myself, thank you very much," Kurt said, giving Sebastian a little shove with his hip. "And secondly, I can't think of any reason why not."

Sebastian raised his eyebrows in amusement.

"You seem to be forgetting that I have a reputation for being the biggest flirt this side of the Atlantic."

"I can hardly feel threatened when you give out fake phone numbers," Kurt retorted. "Especially to straight girls."

"I snore and I'm a blanket hog."

"I have earplugs and I dare you to try and take away my blanket. Next."

"I really have no decent clothes, I just borrowed these from a friend."

"I'll take you out shopping and use you as my personal Ken doll." Kurt looked aside, pulling Sebastian's arm. "Come on, Sebastian, give me something to work with here, you're making it way too easy!"

They stopped, and Sebastian turned towards Kurt, his face unreadable as he scanned Kurt's, obviously searching for something but not finding it. He looked away, opened his mouth and then closed it again, as if he wanted to say something but changed his mind, or simply didn't dare to say it after all.

"You're really not going to let this go, are you?" he finally asked, almost exasperating.

"No," Kurt said simply. He'd come too far by now, taken too much of a risk to still be able to go back. It was all or nothing. "Not unless you give me a good reason. And seeing as all you've been doing so far is make excuses and laugh it off instead of making it easy on yourself and just tell me you don't wánt to date me, I'm calling it now and saying you're too much of a wuss to go for what you want."

"Oh... playing the macho card, are we?" Sebastian asked, pseudo-impressed, his eyes sparkling despite the serious look still on his face.

"I'll play any card I want," Kurt said, surprising both Sebastian and himself as he stepped forward, fisting his hands in Sebastian's sweater. He stood staring at his fumbling hands for a moment, fingers playing with the fabric, before he looked up.

"I'm not gonna ask you again, Sebastian. Tell me I'm imagining things, tell me we have no spark or connection or whatever it is that makes two people realize they share something special. Tell me you don't want me and I promise I'll let it go and never mention it again. I'm not asking for white picket fences and two point five kids, you know, just... give me a shot. Seriously, what's the worst that can happen?"

"I could ruin your life and make you regret you ever called my name," Sebastian said, and for a moment Kurt couldn't tell if he was serious or not.

"I think I'll take the risk," he finally said, smiling tentatively, his stomach jolting when he saw it returned. "How about you?"

Sebastian didn't immediately reply, however, clasping his hands in front of his face, elbows wide, as he sighed and let out a shaky laugh. He stayed like that for a couple of seconds before moving his hands back up, running them back and forth through his hair while his eyes darted around. When he finally looked back at Kurt, both hands linked together on top of his head, it was with an incredulous look on his face, as if he couldn't quite believe where he was or what he was doing.

"Fuck you, Kurt Hummel," he said, dropping his arms. "Fuck you."

His lips came down hard against Kurt's as he raised his hands to cup Kurt's face, and Kurt moved to stand on his toes, pulling Sebastian closer as he returned the pressure. He opened his mouth slightly, tongue flicking out to taste Sebastian's lips but finding his tongue instead, and he playfully took it between his teeth, gently biting down.

"Uh-uh." Sebastian pushed him back, slowly shaking his head, a finger pressed against Kurt's lips. "I don't know who you think you're dealing with, but I'm no côte à l'os - you don't get to bite me, alright?"

Kurt rolled his eyes, but nodded nonetheless.

"Ten seconds into this relationship and you're already making demands," he grumbled, "I'm having second thoughts."

"Twenty seconds into this relationship and you're already whining," Sebastian shot back. "I'm not so sure you're the one pulling the short straw here."

Kurt lifted his fists and let them fall back against Sebastian's chest in protest. "I am. Now shut up and kiss me."

 

* * *

 

Whenever he thought back of that night, Kurt couldn't help but smile. He still didn't understand why he'd done it, what had gotten into him that he'd latched onto Sebastian so strongly -he usually rather enjoyed being pursued, rather than pursuing-, but he was glad he had.

It wasn't easy. Their schedules clashed horribly, what with Kurt working office hours -more or less, for now- and Sebastian having shows and photo shoots at the weirdest times. The fact that he was out of town more often than not didn't help their situation much, and sometimes Kurt wondered if he even _had_ a boyfriend when they went another three or four days without seeing each other. But then he'd get a text, or a phone call, and just like that, they made it work. They bantered and sneered and challenged one another near constantly, but they managed their first month without a single fight, and despite Sebastian's self-proclaimed no-dating policy he turned out to be pretty good at it, the three bouquets of flowers drying upside down in Kurt's bedroom only the most tangible sign of the fact that he took romance very seriously - even if he didn't always extend the same courtesy to Kurt.

They usually met up at some restaurant for dinner or at a bar for drinks with either of their friends -seeing Sebastian hit on Rachel had turned out to be particularly amusing- but about a month in their relationship Kurt finally decided to invite Sebastian over to his place, telling him he would 'make his taste buds explode'. And even though Sebastian had insisted he was too young to expose his taste buds to that kind of risk, the doorbell rang at 7pm sharp, and Kurt hurried to dry his hands before he went to open the door.

Sebastian had dressed up a little more than he usually did, the collar of his auburn button-up peeking out from under the duffel coat he was wearing, and Kurt leaned against the door post, taking a moment to simply look at him, smiling when Sebastian humored him by twirling around his own axis.

"Okay?" Sebastian asked, arms open as he smiled almost bashfully at Kurt. Sebastian had good taste in clothes, appreciating high quality fabrics and fine workmanship just like Kurt did, even if he lacked Kurt's passion. Still, no matter what Kurt told him, he never did seem to have much confidence in his fashion sense when it came to getting Kurt's approval.

"Very much okay," Kurt assured him, accepting the offered flowers with a nod before he stepped forward to kiss him, giggling when Sebastian deepened the kiss and started sucking softly on his lower lip, clearly unsatisfied with the chaste peck Kurt had settled for.

"Come in, Don Juan, I don't want the neighbors to file a complaint over too much PDA in the hallways."

"It's just a kiss," Sebastian pouted, following Kurt inside, "it hardly even classifies as PDA."

"It's a _gay_ kiss," Kurt corrected him, "it classifies as porn. Now be a doll and put these in water, will you? Vases are in the sideboard, on the left."

He pressed the bouquet back into Sebastian's hands, walking into the open kitchen to finish the sauce and leaving Sebastian to check out the apartment.

"Wow," Sebastian whistled after he’d finished arranging the flowers, eyeing the matching color palette, the complementary artwork on the walls and the way not a single accessory clashed with the furniture. "I'm gonna guess you did the interior design yourself?"

"If you ever tell this to anyone I will deny it," Kurt told him, whisking fervently, "but the first three months I lived here I survived on ramen and take out because I invested my whole paycheck in those couches. It was well worth it, though."

He looked over his shoulder to see Sebastian grin at him, shaking his head in disbelief.

"You're a fashion designer, you obviously know your contemporary art, you do interior design, by the delicious smells attacking my nostrils I'd say you know what you're doing in the kitchen and," he walked over to Kurt's DVD rack, "your love for Broadway seems to be infinite. You do know that being gay doesn't mean you have to conform to every cliché in existence, don't you?"

"I like to think I don't let the obsession with breaking stereotypes dictate what I can and cannot love," Kurt said coquettishly, sticking his tongue out. "And besides, you're the model who seduced the designer, I don't think you're in the position to talk about clichés."

Sebastian gasped, putting his hand over his heart in mock shock.

"Are you implying that I am sleeping my way to the top?"

Kurt laughed, closing his eyes when he felt Sebastian's arms snake around his waste, hugging him from behind.

"I wouldn't dare," he murmured, leaving the sauce for what it was as he leaned back into Sebastian's touch, "but should you feel so inclined, I would like to inform you we are currently casting for our summer catalogue."

"An indecent proposal this early on in the evening?" Sebastian puffed. "Mister Hummel, I am shocked."

It seemed his moment of shock was only temporary, however, or that he had decided to take Kurt up on his offer, because he tightened his arms just slightly as he started fiddling to get his fingers underneath Kurt's apron. And his sweater. And his button-up.

"Jesus - exactly how many layers are you wearing today?" Sebastian groaned in frustration. "Because I swear I've worked my way through five and I'm still touching fabric."

"Your math skills are appalling," Kurt chuckled, turning around and lacing his arms around Sebastian's neck. "But since the layers are there to discourage any predatory gays I'd say they are serving their purpose."

Sebastian wiggled his eyebrows provocatively, leaning in closer as he continued to work his way through the layers.

"Hate to disappoint," he said lowly, "but as a predatory gay myself I can tell you: I don't feel so much discouraged as I feel challenged."

He let out a triumphant yelp when he finally succeeded, letting his hands slide over Kurt's stomach, but his victory was short-lived as Kurt immediately pushed down his hands by the wrists.

"Your. hands. are. freezing!" he panted. "How are they not falling off?"

Sebastian stepped back, watching his hands before burying them in his armpits to warm them up.

"They're not that cold," he pouted indignantly, but Kurt simply quirked his eyebrows and sent him a derisive look, pushing him back.

"I'm pretty sure you could grab a bottle of water and it would freeze in an instant," he said. "So don't even think of touching me again unless they're a comfortable 98.2 plus or minus 0.7 degrees. Now shoot, I've got a meal to finish."

Sebastian shot him another indignant stare but complied nevertheless, leaving Kurt to his pots as he hopped on the kitchen table. He let his legs dangle, looking around, picking up some envelopes and flicking through them before his eyes fell on a bowl which seemed to be Kurt's clutter space - coins, pens, and keys thrown in together with some needles, pieces of fabric and even a couple of screws.

"What were you doing driving around in Ohio?" Sebastian asked, holding up a pen when Kurt looked over his shoulder, frowning.

"Oh-," Kurt said as he recognized the logo from his dad's garage printed along the shaft. "That's not - I mean, it's from my dad's shop."

"Y-your _dad_?" Sebastian seemed shell shocked, looking back at the pen, and Kurt could almost _see_ him make the connection between 'Hummel's Tires and Lube' and 'Kurt Hummel'.

"Yes, my dad." Kurt looked at Sebastian questioningly, not quite understanding what he was making a fuss about. "I told you he was a mechanic, didn't I?"

"No, you did not," Sebastian said decidedly. "And you definitely didn't tell me he was a mechanic in _Lima, Ohio_. Trust me, I'd remember."

Kurt rolled his eyes.

"Alright then: my dad is a car mechanic, he owns a garage back in Lima, where I grew up. And before you ask - yes I used to work at the shop, yes I can change a tyre, yes I bedazzled my coveralls when I was sixteen, and no you do not get to see the insult to fashion that I now recognize it as."

For a second, Sebastian looked at Kurt in stunned amusement, and then shook his head.

"Not what I was going for, although that _is_ interesting information," he said. "No, what I meant is - dude, I grew up like two streets from there!"

"No. shit." Kurt turned around, taking his turn to look stunned, wondering how the subject had never come up before.

"You're from _Lima_?"

"Born and raised, I'm ashamed to admit," Sebastian nodded. They took a moment to look at each other, and then simultaneously burst out laughing.

"Oh god I can't believe this," Kurt chuckled, wiping his forehead with the back of his hand as he returned his attention to his cooking. "But where were you at school then? No offense, but I would remember that smirk if you'd gone to McKinley."

"I'm four years younger than you," Sebastian reminded him, shaking his head, "we never would've met. Besides, I was in private schools all my life, boarded in Westerville, at Da-"

"Dalton Academy," Kurt said together with Sebastian, his eyes wide as saucers as he turned around once more. "If you're gonna tell me you were in The Warblers next, I swear I'll have to kill the universe."

"Hey, I wasn't just _in_ The Warblers," Sebastian said haughtily with a sway of his head. "I _led_ that freaking bunch of side-steppers, taught them how to dance properly. Placed for Nationals my junior and senior years too."

But Kurt was barely listening anymore.

"This is not true," he murmured, more to himself than to Sebastian as he let himself fall back against the counter. "This can't be true - 10 years down the line and I'm _still_ ending up with The Warblers' lead singer."

He shook his head in amusement, looking back up to find Sebastian eyeing him questioningly.

"My first boyfriend went to Dalton too," he clarified, "he was a year younger than me but he transferred to McKinley junior year, so you won't know him. Blaine sang lead for The Warblers most of his sophomore year, though, so it's... it's kind of a weird coincidence."

"You're the guy who stole Blaine Anderson away."

It wasn't so much a statement as it was an accusation, and Kurt grinned when he saw Sebastian give him a once over while he dried off his hands and took off the apron.

"Is that what they called me? I guess it's better than 'the guy who killed the Warblers' mascot' or 'the guy who lost us regionals because he was flirting with his boyfriend while performing a break-up song'."

Sebastian didn't reply, still staring at Kurt, and Kurt moved over to him, pushing his knees open to wriggle himself in between, enjoying the way he was looking down at Sebastian for once.

"Now then, Sebastian Warbler," he said teasingly, pressing a light kiss on his boyfriend's nose, "dinner is ready."

.

After they put away the leftovers in the fridge and left the dirty dishes in the dishwasher they moved to the couch, and Kurt let Sebastian pick out a movie as he snuggled against him. But they weren't even five minutes in when Kurt's attention drifted away from the screen to the body next to him, and he started to softly kiss Sebastian's neck, slowly moving up to that spot behind his ear and then down again, closing his lips around Sebastian's ear lobe and sucking gently.

"I thought we were gonna watch a movie?" Sebastian shot an amused glance at Kurt who was now expanding his activities, slipping his hand under Sebastian's shirt.

"Well... ," Kurt murmured against the other man's skin, "there's watching a movie... and then there's _watching a movie_."

Sebastian chuckled, managing to push Kurt back just long enough to kiss him properly, his tongue teasing along Kurt's teeth before pulling back.

"While I appreciate your enthusiasm, I haven't seen this movie yet, so if you don't mind I would actually like to watch it," he said semi-seriously. But when Kurt moved his hand up, thumb brushing a nipple as he worked his way along Sebastian's jaw, he sucked in a breath, closing his eyes as he threw his head back to give Kurt more play room.

"It's a dvd, you can take it home tomorrow," Kurt told him in between kisses as he climbed onto Sebastian's lap. He let his other hand join the first under Sebastian's shirt, following the lines of the muscle with his fingers while he continued to place small kisses along Sebastian's neck - cheeks - nose. Between quick lunches and drinks with friends, this was the first time they actually had some alone-time in a non-public setting, and Kurt felt it would be a waste to let the opportunity slide.

"Oh, so now I'm spending the night?" Sebastian asked, quirking an eyebrow. "Because, you know, I'm not sure if I'm up for that, this early in our relationship."

Kurt cut him off with another kiss as he dug his fingers in Sebastian's sides, slowly dragging them down, and he could feel Sebastian squirm underneath him.

"Correct me if I'm wrong," he said playfully, "but I think I heard a challenge..."

"Kurt-" Sebastian gasped, hands moving to Kurt's hips almost automatically when Kurt shifted in his lap, pressing his hips down. "Kurt, we need to- to talk."

But Kurt just kissed him again, slowly, teasing Sebastian with his tongue, his lips nibbling at Sebastian's and then pulling away, just out of reach.

"Sssh... ," he said, placing a finger against Sebastian's lips. "Less talking, more touching."

"Kurt, I don't-"

Sebastian's hands were moving without his consent, Kurt having taken him by the wrists and sliding them up against his sides.

"Kurt, please, you need-"

Sebastian whimpered as Kurt used his whole body to press him down and back against the couch, lining Sebastian's eyebrows with tiny kisses.

"Kurt, STOP!"

.

Sebastian was holding Kurt's wrists in a tight grip, pushing them back against Kurt's chest to put more space between them. There had been no anger in his voice, no exasperation, just determination and maybe the slightest hint of panic.

"Please," Sebastian repeated, much softer now, his eyes pleading, almost as if he was apologizing for his previous outburst.

Kurt nodded, dumbfounded, growing more confused with every second as he climbed off of Sebastian's lap, instinctively shifting back in the couch to give Sebastian more space as he went over the night in his head. Had he really misread the signals that badly?

The movie they'd been watching was still playing, and Kurt quickly turned it off, annoyed by the cheerfulness of the voices. He regretted it as soon as he put down the remote control, though, because the silence that replaced the noise only served to emphasize the tension that was now hanging between the two of them.

The ticking of his wall clock had never been so loud.

"I'm sorry," Sebastian finally said, pulling up his legs in front of him. He looked defeated, guilty, almost, as if he was the one who had done something wrong, although what that was supposed to be, Kurt had no idea.

"I'm not sure I understand what you're apologizing for," he said tentatively, mirroring Sebastian's position. "Seeing as I was the one crossing a line, apparently."

"That's what I'm sorry for," Sebastian said, looking up to meet Kurt's eyes. "For stopping you." Kurt shrugged, plucking at some imaginary lint on his pants.

"I just wanted to take things a bit further. But if you're not comfortable then you're not comfortable. It's ok."

It came out bitchier than he’d intended it to - but then again he _had_ just been cock-blocked by his own boyfriend. Who had yet to give an explanation as to why, and judging from the way said boyfriend was currently staring at his knees, Kurt was pretty sure he would have to drag it out of him.

"Seb, could you just tell me what's going on?" he pleaded. "Please?"

To his surprise though Sebastian nodded immediately, drawing in a deep breath and obviously steeling himself for whatever it was he was about to say. It left Kurt feeling strangely on edge. He'd seen this side of Sebastian before when he had convinced him to give them a shot, and before that, when he had basically tricked him into going out on a date, and it never failed to make him feel uncomfortable.

"I don't know where to start," Sebastian said after a moment with an almost surprised huff, shooting Kurt a nervous smile.

"At the beginning, maybe?" Kurt suggested. He knew it was lame, but it was worth it to see a bit of the old Sebastian resurface as the other man rolled his eyes indignantly.

"Trust me, you do not want to hear about the beginning," Sebastian said almost scornfully, "and I don't even kn-... I mean... fuck, Kurt!"

The outburst took Kurt by surprise, but it seemed Sebastian was more angry with himself than anything else, because he slammed his fists against his knees before pressing them against his eyeballs as if he didn't want to see, wanted to shut the world out, and Kurt could hear him murmur something along the lines of why did I ever thought this would be a good idea. But before he could think of something to say Sebastian shifted, his gaze steady when he turned around to face Kurt, and his voice was firm as he spoke.

"I've always meant to tell you this, Kurt. I need you to know that. I never even for a second considered not to tell you. I guess I just... ," he paused, eyes darting across the room as he dragged his hand over his face. "I guess I just hoped I'd have a little more time to figure out what this is, between us. If we would be able to make it work."

Kurt frowned. Between Sebastian's reputation and the effort it had taken Kurt to actually get him to go out with him, he hadn't pegged him for the long-term kind of type. They hadn't exactly talked about it yet, taking things a day at a time, and the fact that Sebastian seemed to have given it more than just a fleeting thought was both exciting and alarming - not in the least because he seemed to be convinced that their putative future together was inextricably linked to the current topic of conversation. But to know which was the appropriate reaction was to hear the whole story, and so Kurt just gave Sebastian a small nod, gesturing for him to continue.

"Remember how I told you I didn't date?" Sebastian asked. "And how you told me I couldn't give you a reason why you wouldn't want to go out with me?"

Kurt nodded again, although he didn't see what either of those things had to do with Sebastian's apparent objection to couch make-out sessions.

"Neither of those is quite true. Not that I'm dating anyone else right now or, like, since we've been together," Sebastian quickly added when he saw Kurt cock his head in suspicion. "It's just that I don't usually go out with people who are... like you. I mean, people that I just... I don't know, meet somewhere and have a drink with but don't really know anything about."

"Because?" Kurt prompted, not sure where Sebastian was going with it all.

"Because it means having this conversation and as you can see I'm pretty terrible at it."

The words came rushing out of Sebastian's mouth, providing more confusion than clarity. Sebastian bit his lip, fumbling with his hands in his lap, and Kurt realized with a shock that this wasn't Sebastian being insecure, or even scared.

This was Sebastian being terrified.

Whatever it was he was about to say, he was terrified of how Kurt was going to react, and from the way he was avoiding Kurt's eyes right now, Kurt was pretty sure Sebastian was bracing himself for the worst.

And even if he had no idea what to expect - so did Kurt.

"Can I just ask you to promise me something first?" Sebastian looked up through his eyelashes before averting his eyes, as if he couldn't say this to Kurt face-to-face. "I know this is going to sound selfish, but could you just... not tell anyone? You can... you can throw me out, I'll understand if you don't want to see me again, but... I would appreciate it if you could just... not tell."

It was all Kurt could do to give him a reassuring nod, even if he didn't know what he was agreeing on exactly. But it seemed important to Sebastian, and above all it seemed it was the only comfort Kurt could offer him for now - and so he complied. His agreement appeared to relax Sebastian a little, but it still seemed like hours passed before he straightened his back, rolled back his shoulders and looked straight at Kurt.

"I'm HIV positive."

There was no introduction, no gilding of the pill, and just like that those four words now hung heavily between them, the silence even more stifling than it had been before.

Kurt could feel Sebastian look at him, watch him, waiting for some kind of reaction and he desperately tried to think, tried to feel, but his mind had gone black and there was a big hole in his chest where his stomach was supposed to be and there were no thoughts, no words to describe any of what was coursing through him. Somewhere in the back of his mind he knew he was probably supposed to be angry, but he just felt numb, as if he was stuck in a bad dream. He wanted to scream himself awake, wanted to get out of this place but the only person he would have wanted to go to was sitting right across from him and looking like death.

"Are you ok?" he finally managed to bring out.

There was a moment of stunned silence, and then Sebastian started laughing, softly at first, but his chuckles became gradually louder and less controlled, and Kurt looked at him in astonishment.

"Oh god, I'm sorry," Sebastian muttered once he seemed to get back to himself, looking genuinely apologetic although his shoulders were still shaking with laughter, burying his face in his hands and then peering up from underneath them. "I'm so sorry, but that is just... that is not the way people usually react."

He straightened himself, taking a breath as he tried to regain his composure.

"But yes, yes, I'm ok. I'm fine. Well, apart from the fact that a bunch of atoms the size of a dust speck is killing me from the inside out, obviously."

As odd as it was, it was Sebastian's blunt remark that brought Kurt back to reality - although he immediately wished he could go back to being numb. At least if it felt like a nightmare he could make himself believe he would wake up eventually.

He felt his head suddenly swimming with questions -how, and who, and when, and why hadn't Sebastian said anything before, and was he at least seeing someone because that sounded pretty serious, and just _how_ , because Sebastian looked perfectly fine, perfectly healthy, and there was no way he would be sick, not that sick, because Kurt would've known, he would've noticed, and why hadn't he noticed?- and he had to close his eyes to keep himself from panicking, but at least the words were slowly coming back to him and he forced himself to breathe, concentrating on the air filling his longs and leaving again until he felt like he could talk.

"Have you seen a doctor?" he asked, voice croaking.

It was a stupid question, probably, but Kurt didn't care - he just wanted Sebastian to talk to him, needed him to break the silence that was suffocating him. It seemed like Sebastian understood, somehow, because he answered the question without laughing this time, his voice soft and calm, almost soothing.

"I see a doctor every four months or so," he said. "I'm not on any drugs or anything, though - my immune system is still strong enough to handle things on its own, and so far it's worked out perfectly fine."

"How long?"

"Diagnosis came five years ago. Didn't get tested all that regularly, though, so it's probably a bit longer. I don't know who it was - back then I was more into fucking than I was into flirting and still handing out my own phone number. And I was ridiculously reckless, obviously. I had built up quite a reputation back in Lima and Columbus, but coming to New York..." Sebastian gestured with his hand, as if he wanted to embrace the room. "Things were so much bigger, here, so much _better_ , but everyone just saw me as some stupid twink from the country and I just... wanted to prove myself, I guess? Basically I just proved how much of a twink I really was, but anyways..."

"So you stopped dating."

Sebastian shot him a wry smile.

"Not immediately, no. I did start using condoms though, I wasn't quite that stupid, fortunately. But then I kind of... well, let's just say I decided it was safer if I stayed away from negative people."

Even if he was talking about himself in the first person, to Kurt it seemed like Sebastian was telling him about someone else entirely. He couldn't imagine Sebastian being that guy, because as much of a flirt as he was it was alway in good nature, and he never tried to hide that it was just an act, never actively used it to get laid. Even with Kurt he'd been nothing short of a gentleman, despite all the sexual innuendos - it was always Kurt who tried to push it one step further, tried to-

Kurt froze as the pieces slowly fell together in his head.

Sebastian's reluctance to even consider going out with him. His attempts at trying to convince Kurt he didn't want to date him. The way he seemed perfectly content bantering and flirting and cuddling without actually attempting to go any further. Him stopping Kurt when things started to get more heated on the couch before. How terrified he had appeared right before he told Kurt. Even his unfortunate aversion to biting, however soft or teasing it was intended to be.

This wasn't just about Sebastian being sick.

It was about _them_.

He looked up to find Sebastian looking at him.

"You're HIV positive," he said dully, unable to tear his eyes away from the man in front of him, as if saying the words would make them more tangible, somehow, more real, because he hadn't woken up after all, was still trapped in his nightmare.

What did this even mean? For Kurt - for _them_? Sebastian had said he would understand if Kurt threw him out. Was that what they were supposed to do now? Break up?

"You're HIV positive," he repeated, but the words sounded just as empty and unreal as they had the first time, and he kept staring at Sebastian even as the other man tore his eyes away from Kurt's and back to his hands in his lap, his shoulders slumping.

Would they just always have to use a condom, or was there other stuff they had to think about? Or should they just forget about sex altogether?

Kurt got up, suddenly overwhelmed by the need to move, and he took a few steps towards the table before he stopped and turned on his heels.

Walk. Stop. Turn.

Walk. Stop. Turn.

Sebastian is HIV positive.

The words bounced around in his head. How sick would Sebastian get? How old would he get? Would Kurt be required to be his personal nurse, watch him deteriorate month after month, year after year? How long would it take? Would he be expected to pull the plug when it came down to it?

He could feel Sebastian follow him with his eyes, but he couldn't look back - he needed to figure this out, first. He frantically searched his mind - the safe sex talk he'd had with his dad, miss Pillsbury's pamphlets, the sex workshop from some local lgbtq group he'd attended way back when, ... There had to be _something_ there, some guidelines on how he was supposed to handle this situation, some protocol to tell him what to do. But his mind came up blank and even though he could feel the tears start pressing behind his eyes he couldn't cry, not now, not before he figured this out.

"Do you want me to go?"

Sebastian's voice was soft, laced with worry and concern, and Kurt bit down hard on his lip, the pressure of the tears almost unbearable when he realized that he was the one who put them there. Sebastian was sick, Sebastian had freaking HIV and he was worried about _Kurt_ , healthy, fit Kurt, and it didn't make sense - none of it made any sense.

He felt Sebastian's arms catch him as he broke down, the tears rolling down his cheeks, and he pressed his face against the crook of Sebastian's neck.

"I'm sorry," he sobbed. _I'm sorry that you're sick, I'm sorry that you have to go through all that._ "I'm sorry." _I'm sorry that I'm crying, I'm sorry I'm completely useless because I can't even think right now and I don't know what to do._ "I'm so, so sorry."

* * *

  

When Kurt woke up the next morning his head was thumping, his whole body heavy with a tiredness that was usually only associated with hangovers or sickness. It couldn't be the first - admittedly his alcohol resistance wasn't that high, but one shared bottle of wine was the only thing Sebastian and he had drunk the night befor-

_Sebastian_.

He jerked up in his bed, suddenly wide awake.

_ Sebastian had HIV. _

The other side of the bed was empty, as was, Kurt discovered, the couch, and he was left with a strange feeling of disappointment in his stomach. He vaguely remembered Sebastian putting him to bed the night before, exhausted from crying and trying to put some kind of order to his thoughts, and he assumed Sebastian must have gone home after that, either because he felt uncomfortable staying or...

Kurt shook his head to get rid of the doomsday thoughts.

His feeling of uneasiness dissipated somewhat when he stumbled into the kitchen -the need for a caffeine shot even stronger than usual- and saw the yellow post-it note stuck to the coffeepot.

> _ Thought of making myself comfortable in your couch, but one layer of cushions just didn't suffice to soften the bump of the bag of peas you hid in there. S. _

He smiled softly as he tore off the note, sticking it to the countertop instead, trailing his thumb over the writing as he stared at the words. It was a strange feeling to miss waking up with someone while never having had the experience in the first place, but as Kurt turned on the coffee machine he thought that, maybe, it was better this way. There were too many things he needed to think about first - but not now.

He settled for a simple toast breakfast, taking it with him as he made himself comfortable on the couch, a fleece blanket around his shoulders and his laptop on his knees. He logged on to his work e-mail, more out of habit than anything else - it was unlikely there would be anything important on a Sunday morning, but at least it provided him with a little distraction before the caffeine kicked in and he would no longer have an excuse not to think about the emotional roller coaster the night before had turned out to be.

As predicted, there were only about seven new messages, and he was about halfway through them when a Skype notification appeared in the upper right corner of his screen.

He looked at the clock, frowning - it seemed strange, seeing as it was barely even six in L.A., but then again the life of a young dad probably ran on a different schedule than that of a New York fashion designer. He hesitated for a moment - after all Sebastian had asked not to tell anyone, but Kurt figured it was safe to assume he had been referring more to colleagues and people within the fashion industry, where rumors defied physic laws on a daily basis if the speed they went around with was any indication. And if there was anyone he could talk to -wanted to talk to- ...

KurtHummel2705 _- Busy?  
_ BForbes - **Just finished Angelica's bottle. Sunday morning catch-up?  
** KurtHummel2705 - _If you have time..._

 

Kurt had only barely pressed 'send' when he received the incoming call, and he accepted it with a smile.

"Hey!" Blaine said cheerfully, waving from the screen, a small baby girl on his lap, and he repeated the motion a little slower and more carefully holding the girl's wrist. "Say 'hi uncle Kurt'! 'Hi'!"

"Hi Angelica!" Kurt waved back, his voice even higher-pitched than usual. "How are you, little princess?"

"She's already falling asleep again," Blaine told him, smiling down as he repositioned, allowing the girl to sit a little straighter. "She's a little sleepy-head, just like her papa, isn't she? Isn't she?"

He poked the girl playfully in the side, but she just stared back at him with an unimpressed look on her face, as if her father's energetic cheeriness was too much even for her this early in the morning.

"Anyway," Blaine said, turning back towards Kurt, "how are you? Everything alright with the new lover boy?"

"He's-"

"Kurt!"

A slender, handsome man appeared behind Blaine, waving as enthusiastically as Blaine just had. He was carrying yet another baby, and Kurt wiggled his fingers back at them, smiling.

"Hey Dominic! Hi Yoselino! Up early, I see?"

Dominic rolled his eyes melodramatically.

"Urgh - do not éver follow celebrity examples. Neil and David made it look so easy, but I haven't had a decent night of sleep since we got these two. One of these days you're gonna find me laying on the kitchen floor: death by exhaustion." He winked at Kurt, pressing a soft kiss against the forehead of his son to show he was only joking. "But say, Blaine tells me you found a new man! Congratulations! You should bring him when you come over for Thanksgiving, meet the family and all that, you know?"

He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively and despite himself Kurt started laughing. Dominic was even more ADD at 32 than Blaine had been at 17, and it was impossible not to get infected by his enthusiasm.

"I'll definitely ask," Kurt said, still grinning a little, "as long as you promise not to take him to The Zoo first thing upon arrival; I'm sure Eric _still_ has nightmares."

Dominic, a veterinarian, kept a boa, two chameleons, and a small collection of tarantulas -affectionately referred to as his 'furry little friends'- in the attic of his and Blaine's house, aptly called 'The Zoo'. When Kurt had introduced his last boyfriend Eric to them for the first time, Dominic had immediately dragged him along to show him The Zoo and Kurt, unaware of his boyfriend's rather severe case of arachnophobia, would never forget the ear-piercing shriek that had been heard for miles around.

"Promise," Dominic winked. "But I'll leave you to Blaine, gonna put these ones back to bed. Shall I take her?"

The last comment was directed to Blaine, and Kurt watched as Dominic took over Angelica with a practiced movement, still balancing Yoselino on his other arm, and he plastered a smile on his face as Dominic lifted his chin in goodbye before disappearing from the screen.

"So back to... Sebastian, was it?" Blaine picked up the conversation where they had left off. "I'm still waiting for that picture, by the way."

Blaine gave him a coy wink, and Kurt smiled weakly in return. He wasn't exactly jealous - he'd never wanted kids, not the way Blaine had wanted them, anyway; and while he’d been happy for Blaine when he and Dominic had been accepted as adoptive parents, it wasn't Kurt's dream. Still, seeing the four of them together, a perfect little family, he wished for a moment his own life could be that simple.

"Yeah, well... I, eh... ," he said, dragging his hand over his face. "I actually kinda wanted to talk to you about Sebastian, if that's all right."

"Oh god no, he didn't break up with you, did he?" Even through the webcam Kurt could see how Blaine turned a little paler. "Oh god and Nic invited- oh god, Kurt, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry."

Blaine looked genuinely appalled, and Kurt hurried to reassure him.

"No, no, it's not that," he said before he remembered the night before, and he sighed, backtracking. "At least, I don't think it is... I- urgh, I don't even know where to start!"

He let his head drop in his hands, not caring that he was probably obscuring the view of his webcam.

"Did you have a fight?" he could hear Blaine ask, his voice laced with worry, and Kurt shook his head as he straightened himself, wrapping his arms around his chest.

"Not exactly, no. I mean, we didn't... there wasn't..."

He looked around the room, thinking of how to explain to Blaine what had happened exactly. There didn't seem to be any euphemism he could use to make the truth appear a little less harsh, no soft way of breaking the news, and he finally decided to just adopt Sebastian's technique.

"He's HIV positive," he said, turning back to the screen. "Sebastian's HIV positive." 

Blaine's jaw dropped.

"Wow. Wow, that's... wow."

"Yeah..."

"Is he okay?"

Maybe Kurt should've been offended that Blaine's first concern was Sebastian and not Kurt, but the fact that Blaine had the same initial reaction as he’d had just made him smile. Things might not have worked out between them, but that didn't mean they had nothing in common anymore.

"Yeah, he is. I mean, I don't know, I'm not a doctor or anything. But he said he was fine, at least."

"Did you find out from him?"

"Last night," Kurt nodded. "We were making out on the couch and when I tried to take things further he stopped me, said he had to tell me something and... well, broke the news."

"Well, props for him for stopping you, I suppose," Blaine said, scratching his jaw. "Did you talk about it?"

Kurt shook his head.

"Not really. Not because he didn't want to, or anything," he added quickly when he saw Blaine frown. "I did ask some questions at first and he was... he was very honest and open about it, really, but then I realized that it wasn't just about him but about us, too, and I... I kind of freaked out, I guess? Just started crying and couldn't stop, it was all such a mess in my head. Still is. And then I kinda fell asleep - I think he put me to bed, but he was gone when I woke up this morning."

There was a short silence, and Kurt could see Blaine was thinking, obviously still trying to process the news.

"Are you angry?" he finally asked. 

"Because he didn't tell me before?"

Blaine nodded, and Kurt shrugged.

"Not really. I mean, I guess he could've told me a little earlier, but it's not exactly first date conversation material, is it? I- I think he's had people react badly before, too, so I think I understand where he's coming from, at least. And it's not like he told me after we'd already had sex or something - he never, like, put me in danger or anything. It does clarify a thing or two, though."

He could see Blaine understood what he meant - he'd told him the whole get-together story.

"So what are you gonna do now?"

"That's the million dollar question now, isn't it?" Kurt sighed, propping his head on his arm as he trailed the keys of his laptop with his index finger. "Buy a box of extra thick condoms, I guess?"

"You're not breaking up with him."

It wasn't a question, and even though he hadn't exactly thought it through yet, hearing Blaine say the words made Kurt realize it wasn't really a question for him, either.

"No," he said. "No. I don't... I know we've only been together for a month, we haven't even left the honeymoon phase yet. But at the same time it feels like... like we haven't even had a proper chance yet, you know? And I'm just not ready to give him up. He's... he's gorgeous and funny and a gentleman even if he is too freaking smart for his own good and he drives me up the wall sometimes but somehow he _just_ knows me, and he's- he's just..."

"He's your Sebastian."

Kurt considered the words for a moment, and then nodded, smiling almost wistfully as he cocked his head.

"He's my Sebastian," he repeated, and for a moment everything that had happened the night before disappeared, the only thing remaining that feeling of being so completely, ridiculously in love. "And he doesn't take my bullshit like you used to back in high school."

He giggled as a memory struck him, and he looked up at the screen, amusement in his eyes.

"Which reminds me - I found out he used to be lead of his high school show choir. Three guesses as to which one it was?" 

Blaine raised his eyebrows, clearly surprised by the turn of the conversation.

"I don't even know where he's from, so I'm just gonna assume it's one we're familiar with... I don't know, Vocal Adrenaline?"

"The Dalton Academy Warblers," Kurt said solemnly, and when he saw Blaine's eyes widen in shock, he started laughing. "I know it sounds crazy but I swear it's true, he showed me pictures on Facebook and everything. And eh...never tell him I told you this but eh... he rocked that freaking blazer."

He winked at Blaine, and they grinned at each other.

"You always did like the blazer," Blaine quipped. "Well, seems like the universe is trying to tell you something."

Kurt cocked an eyebrow.

"You mean it's a sign he's the guy for me?" he asked. "Because, you know, the last lead Warbler I dated broke up with me."

"We broke up _with each other_ ," Blaine corrected him sternly, wiggling his finger. "And we lasted over three years, not bad for a first relationship I'd say. Especially since half of that was done long distance."

"So what, second time lucky?"

Kurt sighed, sounding almost resigned. He was glad Blaine didn't question his decision not to break up, though - he was sure other people would not be so forthcoming.

His father, for example.

"Do you think I'm being stupid?"

Blaine shook his head.

"I think you're being brave. A tad naive, maybe, but mainly brave. I'm just not sure why you're talking to _me_."

"Because I don't know what to do!" Kurt exclaimed, surprised this even needed explaining. "I just... I don't wanna give him up but I don't know how to do this, either. I mean, I don't even know his prognosis, how old do HIV positive people get these days? And he said he's not taking any drugs, which seems like - a really bad idea. And is it just blood and semen I have to watch out for? I don't even remember, why can't I remember, I must've known this at some point. I _must_ have. Or imagine we're like, cooking together and he cuts his finger? What do I do? And then there's the sex. Is that even safe? I mean, I understand cum play is probably out of the question, and I can't say the idea of a blow job with condom is particularly appealing. Oh god I just hope I don't have to top every time because I really don't think I could handle that."

He stopped abruptly when he heard Blaine clear his throat, realizing he had been rambling, and he quirked the corner of his mouth apologetically.

"I just don't know what I'm supposed to do," he repeated dully, hanging his head. Blaine sighed, running his hands through his hair, looking at him seriously from the laptop screen.

"Kurt, I wish I could help you, I really, really do. But I don't know what to tell you, what the protocol is for something like this. I don't think there _is_ a protocol, to be honest. And I'm sure Google could help you with some of this stuff, but really, there is only one person who has the answer to all of that."

Kurt nodded reluctantly, and he was sure the doubts that were tightening his chest were visible on his face.

Talking to Blaine was easy - there was no danger of either of them getting hurt, no dreams of a future together that could be crushed. Talking to Sebastian, on the other hand...

"I know," Kurt said, "I know. But I... he was terrified, Blaine. You should've seen him, he looked so small, so scared, and I just... I don't want to say anything _wrong_. Or offensive. Or stupid. I want to _be there_ for him. I just want to hold him and tell him he'll be all right and take care of him. But I'm not sure if I can do that because there seems to be so much... stuff... attached to all this. And I want to be sure I can handle it, you know? Because first it was like - ok, so my boyfriend has a chronic illness, ok, that's heavy, but, you know, at least it's treatable, in a way. Or well, manageable. And then I think about the blood and I just feel queasy but, I mean, if I just stay away if he hurts himself and let him take care of it, not much can go wrong, right? So I think, ok, that's not- that's not all that terrifying. And then I think about the sex and... I think what I'm trying to say is that every time I think I'm ok with it I remember something else that sends me in a frenzy again. And I don't... I don't want to give him false hope. Does that make sense?"

"You don't want to stay with him thinking you can handle it and then later discover there is something you didn't think about or hadn't foreseen," Blaine nodded. "Makes perfect sense to me. But Kurt, the only way you're going to get the whole picture is by talking to _him_. Nobody will know better what this means for your relationship and for yóu, personally. I mean, he sounds like an honest guy, and you said he seemed open to talk about it so... ask him. Go to his house and _ask_."

"I don't know where he lives," Kurt admitted, even if that was hardly the point at all.

"Then call him, go to his work place, I don't know- just... _talk_ to _him_."

"I'm scared."

The words sounded ridiculous, not even close to describing what Kurt was feeling, but in the turmoil of feelings that was plaguing him, fear was the one that popped out the most.

"I'm scared I won't be able to look at him the same way anymore. I'm scared something might go wrong and I'll end up sick, too. I'm scared..." Kurt paused, taking a deep breath as he looked away. "I'm so, so scared of losing him."

"Kurt..." Blaine's voice was insistent, but Kurt barely paid it attention, focused on the keyboard of his laptop as he tried to control his breathing, tried to swallow down the tears that were welling up once again.

"I can't lose him, Blaine. I can't. I don't know how. I've only just found him and I... I can't lose him. I just can't."

"You're not going to lose him," Blaine assured him, but despite the calm and confident tone the words just sounded hollow to Kurt.

"I could," he said stubbornly, wiping angrily at the tears that seemed to have a will of their own, pushing through his resolve and running down his cheeks. "He could die. We'd be happy for a bit and then he'd die and it would be worse than before because I'd know how happy we had been and I'd never be able to get it back. Or he could make some excuse about not wanting me to get hurt like that and he'd break up with me and he'd be gone all the same."

"You are not. going to _lose_ him!" Blaine insisted again, hushing Kurt when he tried to protest. "Look, I'm not an expert here, but with all the drugs available these days I'm pretty sure HIV positive people have the same life expectancy as anyone else. And do you really think he would have started dating you, would have trusted you enough to tell you about this if he didn't want to stick with you? You're not. gonna. lose him. And will it be hard? Well, yeah, probably! But that doesn't mean you can't make it work, does it?"

But Kurt shook his head fervently, suddenly caught up in his own fear. "You don't know that! You can't _know_ that!"

"Kurt, have you even been _listening_ to yourself?" Blaine asked, leaning a bit closer to the camera. "You're not acting like your boyfriend of one month has HIV. You're acting like your husband has developed a chronic illness and you're trying to reshape your future together. I know you said you were taking things a day at a time, but whether or not you realize it - you're in this for the long haul. And I think _that's_ what's scaring you. Now, I don't know Sebastian, but I know you, and you can do anything you set your mind to. Other people have made it work, and so can you."

Kurt leaned back in the couch, biting his lower lip as he let the words sink in.

Blaine was right, he realized - this wasn't just a matter of figuring out whether or not he could deal with Sebastian's HIV. It was too big, there were too many sides and complications to be considered for it to be a let's-try-and-see-where-we-end-up type of relationship: if they were gonna do this, they would have to do it right and proper.

The scariest part of that was that it didn't scare Kurt at all.

"You... you really don't think I'm crazy for wanting to do this?" he asked, voice quavering. "Because it _feels_ kind of crazy."

"There's nothing crazy about going after what you want," Blaine told him, looking straight into the camera. "And if there's anyone who can do this, it's you. But Kurt... take care, alright? I don't want to see you hurt. In any way."

Kurt nodded, instinctively knowing Blaine wasn't just talking about the emotional side of things.

"Thank you," he said, and he didn't think he'd ever meant those two words as much as he did now, "for everything. I'm just gonna... I need to- I need to figure out some stuff, now. I need to... think."

Blaine gave him an encouraging smile, and he returned it - even if it was a bit shakily.

They said their goodbyes soon after that, and Kurt let out a sigh as he clicked the red button, closing the call. He wasn't any closer to knowing _how_ he was going to do any of this, but at least he had a plan, now. He would educate himself, and then he would talk to Sebastian. And they'd figure it out. Together.

He took a bite of his toast -long gone cold-, and opened his internet browser.

* * *

   

The room was too bright, as it always was for these kinds of things, and the constant buzz of people coming and going did nothing to dissipate the frantic atmosphere that surrounded him. The actual photo shoot was taking place at the back of the room, and as Kurt got closer he could see the backdrop of some tropical beach, the sand that was spread out in front of it and that seemed to have already taken over half of the studio if the crunching under Kurt's feet was any indication, the hair-and-make-up people and then...

Sebastian.

He was dressed in a pair of khakis that hung low on his hips, their faint V-shape even more pronounced under the sharp artificial light. The simple white shirt he wore in combination with it was unbuttoned, leaving his chest bare, and Kurt found himself staring. He hadn't seen Sebastian in anything less than jeans and a long-sleeved t-shirt since he'd dressed him for the show, and even though he had no trouble conjuring up the images of soft chest hair and toned muscle that had left him with, it was strangely comforting to see it hadn't changed - Sebastian's skin still stretched taut over his flat stomach, glistening, firm.

Healthy.

He saw Sebastian jump, catching a bright red ball, but his smile faltered when he saw who had thrown it - a young Mexican-looking guy, cute by even the highest of standards and hot by Kurt's own, dressed in nothing but a pair of tight blue jeans, who was now pretending to chase Sebastian over the set.

"Alright! Now Jorge, I want you in front... right here... Sebastian, you hold him- no, your arm lower, there. Good - now look over at me."

As the photographer gave instructions the two models walked up to each other. Sebastian wrapped his right arm around Jorge's waist as he lifted the left to point at something, and Jorge laughed when Sebastian whispered something in his ear. To his own surprise, Kurt felt a surge of jealousy, and he was just wondering if it was wholly necessary that Sebastian's thumb was slowly stroking over the other man's hip bone when Sebastian turned his head and caught sight of him.

Later Kurt realized they couldn't have been looking at each other for more than a couple of seconds, but it felt like an eternity for Kurt as he saw the emotions flicker over Sebastian face in quick succession: surprise and unbelief, insecurity and maybe just a hint of fear, but even through that range of conflicting emotions there was no denying the way Sebastian's face had lit up the moment he saw Kurt, there was no mistaking that smile that only widened as they kept staring and that Kurt knew was reflected on his own face.

He watched Sebastian untangle himself from his colleague and walk up to the photographer, exchanging a few words before the photographer nodded.

“All right, people, take five! We’ll continue with the girls after that!”

There was a sudden burst of activity, of people changing places and lamps being moved, but Kurt paid it no attention, focused on Sebastian who made his way towards him, stopping about 3 feet away - close enough to be able to have a conversation, but not so close that he would be invading Kurt's personal space.

"Hello there, princess," Kurt broke the silence.

Sebastian gave him an amused smile at the reference to his earlier note, wrapping his arms around his chest, and he smiled down bashfully before he looked back up at Kurt.

"You're here."

Kurt didn't miss a beat.

"I'm here."

They stood looking at each other for another moment, flushing cheeks and shy smiles, and it almost felt like they were high school sweethearts seeing each other for the first time after they had shared their first kiss, not two adults who had a long and heavy conversation ahead of them.

"How did you even know where to find me?" Sebastian asked, and Kurt shrugged casually, though he couldn't hold back the conspiratorial grin that crept up on his face.

"You know, I was wondering... ," he said airily, "if your ex-boyfriend is transgender, does that make you bisexual?"

"You called my agent?" Sebastian called out before he noticed people turning their heads, and he lowered his voice. "You actually called _my agent_?"

"Hey, you're the one who gave me her number," Kurt said innocently, holding his hands up to show he was most definitely not to blame for this. "Six times, no less, too. But she was really helpful once she realized I was the boyfriend with the... ah, what was it again..."

He tapped his finger against his chin as he looked at the ceiling, pretending to think.

"Oh yes, now I remember: 'with eyes the color of the ocean on a stormy day'."

It was more than worth it having come all the way over here just to see Sebastian blush, Kurt decided, and his grin only widened.

"The boyfriend, ha?" Sebastian said, stuffing his hands in his pockets and shuffling his feet. His eyes were darting everywhere, a careful smile slowly spreading over his face that was nothing short of hopeful even though he refused to look at Kurt for longer than a few seconds, and despite his airy tone Kurt could hear the undercurrent of uncertainty, the need for confirmation.

"The boyfriend," he repeated. "Unless you remember a break-up that I missed, somehow?"

He raised an eyebrow questioningly when Sebastian looked back at him, tilting his head just a little, and Sebastian let out a shaky huff, dragging his hands over his face before his gaze settled on Kurt.

"No," he said smoothly, the twinkle in his eyes not even barely contained and the smile on his face now so bright Kurt was sure they would have to turn off some of the lamps for the shoot. "No break-ups as far as I recall."

He seemed to take a moment to recompose himself a little, shifting his weight and wrapping his arms around himself again as he looked at Kurt - really, actually looked at him.

"You look amazing."

"You don't look too bad yourself," Kurt smiled as he took the compliment with a nod, but Sebastian merely shrugged, eyes darting down and then back at Kurt.

"I'm contractually obliged," he said mischievously. "What's your excuse?"

It was Kurt's turn to blush this time and he ducked his head, unable to keep away the bashful smile when he looked back up at Sebastian.

"Can we talk somewhere?"

.

They found a couch in one of the changing rooms, and they sat down cross-legged, facing each other, knees just barely touching.

"So..." Sebastian started, but Kurt interrupted him.

"Can I-... can I start?"

Sebastian nodded, gesturing with his hand to give him the word, and Kurt shifted just a little bit closer. They weren't quite ready to fall into each other's arms yet, but he still needed to feel Sebastian now, needed the reassurance of him being close.

He took a deep breath, trying to remember the mental list he had made of things he wanted to say and ask. He'd done his research, spent hours on thebody-dot-com and the CDC website, and he felt calmer now, safer even, his brain armed with facts and figures to keep his emotions under control.

"I... oh god, I can't even remember what I was gonna say," he huffed, laughing softly to himself. "I guess I just... there's some things I would like to ask first, if that's all right?"

"Of course that's all right!" Sebastian shot him an incredulous look. "Jesus, Kurt, I dropped a huge bomb on you yesterday and not only are you still talking to me, you went out of your way just to come see me - you could demand I do all the household work and clean your bathroom with a toothbrush and sleep on the couch for the rest of eternity and I would probably just nod and grin and comply, basking in the fact that you're not breaking up with me. Of course you can ask me, idiot - ask me anything!"

"Anything?" Kurt asked as he tilted his head, suddenly amused.

"Anything," Sebastian told him solemnly. "I don't care - anything, Kurt, I mean it, ask me anything and I'll try the best that I can."

Kurt's grin had only become wider the longer Sebastian spoke, and he bit his lip, swaying a little.

"Well, I guess that answers my first question," he said, smiling as he caught Sebastian's questioning look and asked it anyway.

"Do you love me?"

Sebastian didn't hesitate - he simply laid his hands on his calfs, palms facing up, and Kurt immediately complied, placing his own hands on top of them.

"Yes," Sebastian said, his voice steady, watching Kurt intently as his thumbs stroked along the back of Kurt's hands. "Yes, I do."

Kurt closed his eyes for a second, willing his heart to stop pounding and his breathing to stabilize. As much as he'd wished they could've built up to this, could have said those words not because it was asked but because the feeling was so overwhelming they would burst if they didn't - they were still there. They still had been said, no less true, and Kurt squeezed Sebastian's hands softly when he replied.

"I love you, too."

"Any other confessions you want to drag out of me?" Sebastian asked playfully after a short silence, and Kurt smiled, shaking his head slowly.

"My next question is a little more serious," he said, taking his time to try and think how best to formulate his question. "You said... yesterday you said you weren't on any drugs."

He could see Sebastian squint his eyes a little, clearly not understanding where Kurt would be taking this.

"No," Sebastian said. "No, I'm not."

"Why?"

The question had plagued Kurt ever since Sebastian had said it, and even though he'd found it wasn't all that unusual, it still didn't sit right with him.

"Why?" Sebastian repeated, surprised, sitting back in silence for a moment. "Eh... a number of reasons. I guess maybe I kinda like the idea that I'm battling this on my own for now. I know I'm going to lose in the long run, but right now... right now I'm the stronger one."

He looked a bit hesitantly at Kurt, as if he was afraid he would think it was silly, but Kurt nodded in understanding. He knew the feeling of wanting to be in control of things, and he could see there was a certain pride to be found in successfully battling an illness without any help.

"And... once I start treatment, I can't stop. I can't go back. Once I start, it will be for the rest of my life. Which could easily be another fifty or sixty years, or so they tell me. That's fifty years of putting my body under the stress of chemicals. Fifty years of taking multiple pills, every day, at the same time, without fail. And I just... if I can shorten that period for as much as I can, another five, ten years maybe... that's ten years that I don't have to worry about any of that."

Kurt nodded again. It made sense, he thought, a lot of sense, even, and it only made him feel more selfish for even considering asking Sebastian what he wanted to ask him. But Sebastian didn't give him a chance to back out.

"Why did you want to know?" he asked, sounding genuinely curious, and Kurt took another breath.

"Because... because if you're not on drugs then... your viral load..."

He let his voice trail when he saw Sebastian caught on.

"My viral load is not exactly low, no. Certainly not undetectable as it would be if I were on treatment."

"And a higher viral load..."

"... means a higher chance of transmittance," Sebastian supplied helpfully.

From the way he was looking at Kurt, Kurt could see he already knew what the question was, but he didn't say anything more, made no attempt to formulate an answer, and Kurt understood he would have to speak up if he wanted to know.

"Would you... would you consider- starting up? Therapy?" he asked meekly, afraid to meet Sebastian's eyes, painfully aware of the enormity of what he was asking from him. "To make it... safer?"

He let out a small yelp when he felt something brush against his lips unexpectedly, and his eyes flew up to see Sebastian's face mere inches from his.

"Yes," Sebastian said, kissing Kurt again, "I would consider that. I would even want to go further and say I have considered it." Another kiss. "And I'll do it."

"I only asked you two seconds ago," Kurt protested, even though he couldn't ignore the way his stomach had jolted at the words. But he couldn't just let Sebastian make a decision like that on such a short notice.

"Only took me a second to decide," Sebastian replied simply, pressing another kiss against Kurt's lips.

"You can't-"

"I just did."

Sebastian held a finger against Kurt's lips and pulled away, but only as much as he had to to be able to look Kurt in the eyes.

"Let me do this for you," he said- asked. "Please?"

Kurt nodded mutely, taken aback by the ease with which Sebastian had handled his request, and he wondered if it meant that what they had felt as big for Sebastian as it did for him.

But when he looked back up Sebastian's expression had changed.

"There's something," he said, looking at Kurt inquisitively. "There's something else you wanted to ask."

"No!" Kurt tried to deny the accusation, but it came out too fast, and if his refusal to meet Sebastian's eyes didn't betray him, the blush on his cheeks certainly did. "No, it's ok, it's fine."

"Kurt..."

"Sebastian, I was kinda having a moment here with you," Kurt said, a little firmer now. "You're ruining it."

But Sebastian was not in the least impressed.

"Look, Kurt, if you meant what you said we're going to have shitloads of moments to come - I think we can afford to ruin one if there's something bothering you."

He sighed when Kurt didn't reply, gently lifting Kurt's chin with his index finger until Kurt couldn't but look him in the eye.

"Kurt, we need to talk. More than any other couple, if we want to make this work, if we want to even _try_ , we need to talk. And if you have a question or a worry _now_ , then we need to talk about it _now_. I know it's scary - trust me, I know. But it's the only way it's gonna work. I won't be mad, I'm not gonna think it's silly or stupid... but I can't hold up my end of the deal and be here for you if I don't know what you're struggling with."

Kurt bit the inside of his cheek.

"I just don't know if... I don't wanna-," he started before Sebastian cut him off with a single look, and he took a deep breath. 

"H-how does it- how does it work with... the sex part?"

Sebastian's face fell, and he bit his lip, looking suddenly serious as he looked around the room, thinking so hard Kurt could almost _hear_ it.

"Look, Kurt, I-" Sebastian paused, taking a deep breath as he scratched behind his ear. "I know this is gonna sound crazy, and just... please -please- don't take this the wrong way but I... I don't want to have sex with you. Not now, not yet, I mean," he added when he saw Kurt frown.

"And _how_ exactly am I supposed to not take that the wrong way?" Kurt asked, alternating between feeling insulted and wanting to laugh hysterically, because Sebastian Smythe -Sebastian _Innuendo_ Smythe- just told him he didn't want to have sex.

"It's not about you," Sebastian tried to clarify clumsily. "Or, I mean, it _is_ about you, that's just- that's just the whole point of it. But I..."

He let out a slow breath, running his hands through his hair as he looked up at the ceiling.

"I know this must be hard for you, I really -really- do. I keep wanting to pinch myself because I can't believe you're here - I can't believe you're here and you want to be with me and you're talking about having sex with me like it's an actual, real, possibility and I just... I can't wrap my head around the reality of that right now, I really can't. Because I- I told you that I _do_ date - I mean, not _dating_ dating, but, well... going out, I guess. But never, never with negative people. Partly because I was reluctant about the whole disclosing thing, but mainly because..."

He paused again, biting his lip, eyes darting around as he considered his words, but when he looked back at Kurt it was with determination, and he took Kurt's hands in his own again, holding them tight.

"I don't want anything to happen to you," he said, voice firm and steady. "I would never - _could_ never- forgive myself if anything ever happened to you. As scary as it is for you, it's just as scary for me. I could ruin your life, Kurt. One moment of inattentiveness, just one little mistake and it could all be over, and I would never be able to live with myself again. And I- I can't handle that. I can't take that responsibility, I just... I can't. Not yet, at least. I think it's awesome you're willing to do this, Kurt, I really do, and I had never in a thousand years expected you would even consider this. Hoped, maybe, yes, but not... I never really believed we could end up here. And you'll have to give me time to... to process this, I guess. If you want to, I mean, of course I'd understand if yo-"

Kurt rushed forward, crashing his lips against Sebastian's, bringing up Sebastian's hands still clasping his and placing them against his jaws, mirroring the position so they were cupping each other's face as they kissed, pulling each other close. He needed this, now, and he put in that kiss everything he wanted to say but didn't know how.

He'd done his research. He'd visited every HIV/AIDS related website in existence, dug through every forum, read everything there was to be read about safe sex, had even chatted with a guy who also was in a relationship with an HIV positive person - a 'magnetic' relationship, the guy had called it. Positive and negative. Opposites attracting.

And if anything, it had been clear to him that it was possible. It wasn't a crazy romantic idea, it wasn't unsurmountable - there were other people in their situation, and they were making it work. And as long as they stuck to the rules he would be okay - they would both be okay.

He knew that.

But that didn't mean he was fully comfortable with it all. Not yet, at least, and listening to Sebastian he'd felt a weight lift from his shoulders he hadn't even realized was there. He didn't know why he had assumed that he would be the only with reservations, but knowing they would be able to just _be_ , for now, that sex and everything that would entail for them was something they could figure out later, together, made him breathe lighter.

When they pulled away, their foreheads still pressed together, they were almost giggling, the relief that flooded them both almost too much to bear.

"You know, I would've told you I didn't want to have sex with you earlier if I had known that would be my reward," Sebastian said coyly, and Kurt lashed out, swatting Sebastian's upper arm.

"Are you accusing me of being promiscuous?" he asked haughtily.

"I'm accusing you of being a great kisser," Sebastian smiled, reaching out to cup Kurt's jaw. He tenderly stroked his thumb over the soft skin of Kurt's cheek, tilting his head sideways as he looked at him, his green eyes so unabashedly full of love that it almost hurt Kurt to return the gaze.

"You're really sure about this, aren't you?" Sebastian asked quietly, and Kurt's stomach clenched at the wonder in his tone.

"Yes," he said with all the confidence he could muster, "yes, I am."

 

They would have to talk more about it later, he decided, distracted by the multitude of kisses Sebastian had started attacking him with, and he laughed, trying half-heartedly to push him away.

"You're a dork," he giggled, and immediately Sebastian backed away.

"I was born a dork," he said seriously. "I can't help it. _You_ , on the other hand, are voluntarily dating one, so which of us is the bigger idiot here?"

Kurt gave him a playful push.

"I'm not an idiot, I'm _in love_ ," he said, grinning, "and as such I cannot be held responsible for my actions. Besides, last I checked _I_ was the one asking the questions here."

Sebastian sucked in a breath, pressing his lips together as he looked down, looking like a schoolboy caught stealing cookies from the teacher's jar.

"I'm sorry," he said, although the amusement in his voice made it clear he was most certainly not sorry. "Please, do you have any more questions for me?"

He cocked his head sideways, looking at Kurt through his eyelashes, and Kurt couldn't help but laugh again.

"I do, actually," he said, resisting the urge to kiss Sebastian.

"How do you feel about celebrating Thanksgiving with Warbler legend Blaine Anderson?"


End file.
